


with you, its like summer again

by parkjiwink



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I AM A MESS, Jihoon-centric, M/M, i apologise my tagging is a mess, jihoon is just an angsty ball who just wants love, literally the other members are only mentioned once, nielwink, references to seasons, wanna one disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 18:52:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14219541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkjiwink/pseuds/parkjiwink
Summary: jihoon thinks he'd never be able to reach daniel.(or: wanna one disbands and jihoon is a sad fluffball)





	with you, its like summer again

**Author's Note:**

> i apologise for this work; it is vague, unedited and a sad mess

I've always wanted to grab your hand. You were always there, right in front of me. In my dreams, I’m always running after you, but you don’t see me. And so I reach out some more. My fingertips touch the back of your shirt, brushing along it and ready to take it. But then, you'll disappear and I'd wake up.

It's four in the morning. My feet are cold. I run a hand through my hair and sigh out loud. No one is there to hear me anyway. Not when everyone had left. After all, they had their real place to return to. As I get out of bed and my toes touch the cold wooden floor, I could swear something is missing.

 _Oh, I understand now._ There’s more than just one thing missing. There's no Jisung-hyung to wake us up or baby us anymore, no Sungwoon-hyung who'd listen to me. No Jaehwan-hyung and Seongwoo-hyung to tease me; and Park Woojin, my best friend, is gone too. I missed hearing the laughters from Jinyoung and Daehwi. No more Lai Guanlin who looked up to me, even though I don't deserve it. The dorm looked messy, and I remembered, Minhyun-hyung left too. He had a family to return to, after all. And there was you. You're always the first between us. First place, first confession, first kiss... And now, you're the first to leave.

Your clothes aren’t lying around on the floor. You always tossed them aside carelessly and Jisung-hyung had to reprimand you every time. Your slippers aren’t next to mine, waiting for cold feet to enter their fluffy warmth. And you're aren't here with me, hugging me tightly and sharing your warmth. You know I hated winter.

I rub my still sleepy eyes, feeling my thin layer of makeup coming off. You always complained about that, saying I would stain the sheets and the pillows with it. I remembered how I teased you then, saying we would stain the sheets anyway. You gasped and I chuckled, wrapping my arms around you and snuggling into your warm embrace. 

I walk up to the window and peek around the curtain. It’s snowing outside. Pure white snowflakes were raining down. 

I forced myself to eat something. But no matter what I eat, it tastes dry and dull. You're not sitting beside me. You're not feeding me, proclaiming your love for me to nine other boys. _Jihoonie is like my pet bunny_!, you'd joke.

Afterwards, I walk back into the bedroom and lean against the closed door, staring at nothing in particular. How odd, I’ve taken over one of your habits. You used to lean against the door and stare at nothing for minutes. It always seemed so long, before you smiled at me and joined me in bed. It was as if you needed time to think over things.

_Ah, were you thinking about us?_

Pushing myself away from leaning against the door, I started to pack my bag. It’s so ironic, I always thought I would be the one to leave first. You always said you loved me more than I do. I never expected the day you would leave me. Or did you just love the idea of loving me?

I knew I never could've reached you, never deserved you, because, you're always walking in front of me, turning back and laughing, "Hurry up, Jihoonie!” You shined so brightly with that gummy smile that I love, you're too perfect for someone like me.

But, you were one step ahead of me. I stared at my hands as they pick items out of my closet and fold them into my suitcase. Knowing you, you are probably faster in packing, too. Not folding your clothes. You never fold them.

_Even now, are you doing well without me, hyung?_

I chewed on my lip, zipping up my luggage and taking it into the living room. I wonder if this really was it. The end of everything. My heart skips a beat as I realise that I will leave this dormitory, the place of our memories of the best sixteen months of my life. I'm the last one to leave. I never really held much value to material things, but the memories here with everyone, with you…

The sofa.

I catch myself staring at the spot which was somehow a little more sunken. Even hideous as it is, the spot meant a lot to me. The numerous times you pulled me down onto your lap. The countless hours we spent on there, watching TV, sleeping, lying, running hands through each other’s hair and whispering sweet nothings. Even if a word was useless, even if all of our conversations were meaningless, it never mattered. When it's said between us, it always held meaning.

It was here, on the sofa, where eleven boys talked about their dreams. Eleven boys who knew that they are not permanent. Eleven boys who promised to make the best out of the time we had. And we did. So, why am I still holding on? Why can't I leave, when everyone else already did?

I turn away and leave without even fixing my hair. My make-up was messed up, but I don’t care. Dragging my luggage along with me, I hide in my trench coat. It’s cold. The raining snowflakes hadn’t stopped yet, slowly covering the world in a thin layer of white. I liked summer better.

I can see the station from here. It’s not a long walk and my heart grows tight when I remember how we used to take walks on this road, together. Your voice still echoes in my mind. "I will be back soon! Wait for me to come home, Jihoon!" you always said, flashing me one of your trademark smiles, pulling me closer and planting a kiss on my forehead. You always like to spend time with me alone, before you'd leave for one of those never-ending schedules you had. You were too shy to show your affections in public, but you never held back with me. I loved that about you.

The station is a small one. It only had two platforms and I walk up onto the first one. We used to come here, too. And for some reason, I felt sick, wanting to go back to our room in our small dormitory and bury myself in the white bedsheets. I want to wake up again, to see your clothes tossed all over the floor, your slippers next to mine and wrapped in your arms. I want to hear your laughter.

I shouldn’t be waiting here alone.

I don’t know why. I just don't think you'd ever have a reason to return here. To me. And I think you know that. Something, like a book, is easy to replace, one simply goes to a bookstore and buys a new one. It doesn’t work that way with love. It just hurts more if you try to replace it.

_And, the summer is over. Wanna One is over._

I shivered, unwrapping my scarf and wrapping it around my neck again. The winter isn’t cold, the wind isn't that harsh and the snow isn’t falling down fast enough to actually hinder anyone. But inside, I’m so cold. The one person to take that cold away is stuck in my summer memories. We could never survive a winter. I should stop thinking of you, probably. What good does it bring me? All these memories I tried to embrace are nothing like your arms. I look up at the sky and my vision blurred. If I could just lose my memories to the sky, it would be the perfect farewell. Not to think of you anymore…

As I close my eyes, remembering the summer sky that we used to look up at together, as we sat on the grass. I loved that sky. Even when you stood up and started running and I chased after you, reaching out for your hand.

You were too fast, in so many ways. Too fast with words, too fast with decisions, too fast when it came to running away. Too fast to leave when we disbanded. I don’t think I would be able to keep up with you longer than a summer. But if only you’d slow down so I could grab your hand, I would hold you close so you wouldn’t be able to run off. Wouldn’t be able to escape without telling me. Wouldn’t be able to leave me anymore.

Yet, thoughts like these always come too late.

I feel inside my pocket with my hand. Something’s in there. I take it out; it’s a small paper. A post-it note. ‘Call Niel’ it says. I laugh humorlessly. Would you even pick up my call?

Tearing the memo into small little pieces, I let the wind blow it away. Along with the promises I made to you and myself. I hugged myself, shifting my weight onto my other leg as I wait for the train to arrive. If I had lived up to a promise right now, I’d head for you. I’d pull you out onto the snow, and you'd tell me that winter isn't all that bad. I’d laugh, and you'd pinch my cheeks, say that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you. We’d make our own summer of our winter. But I couldn’t. You had left before I could do anything and you aren't coming back. You were always too fast to catch up with.

The sun is rising. I can see it’s orange rays coming from behind the horizon, never failing to amaze me. The wind that's blowing now makes my heart stir, and the sight makes my eyes water. This scene, I wish to keep it with me. I etch it into my mind, wanting to have a good memory on this awful day.

I close my eyes, hearing the train on the other platform arrive. I think the snow stopped, but I’m not too sure. Maybe I had already grown immune to its touch. I wrapped myself tightly, my body rocking slightly from side to side. I'm waiting for that train to arrive, my train. My way out of here. My exit from the memories that still lingered here, with Wanna One... _with you_.

I hear footsteps of people that moved out of the train. Not many people will have this place as a destination, I’m surprised to hear that many voices chatting. Just as my train arrives, I feel two strong arms wrapped around me and pull me into a familiar embrace. I snapped out of my thoughts.

“Wha-?” I don’t even have to question, actually. You bury your face in my hair for a moment, taking in the scent of my shampoo, before turning me around.

You have been crying.

“Jihoon-ah,” you started, but I shook my head. I wrap my arms around your neck and press myself against your body. I don’t care what brought you back here. You’re here. I can’t think of anything else that would matter right now.

“I couldn't say goodbye,” you whispered, your hands tangling into my hair as your lips press on my forehead. I relive every memory we ever had together at that single moment. The fragrance of the summer is still there, on your skin. The bright sun is still there, in your eyes. The warm feeling is still there when you smile. We can make our own summer even if the winter is surrounding us.

Because the summer in our hearts isn’t over.

In the distance, I saw the faces of nine other boys that I've grown to love. At that moment, I knew that everything is alright. There is no need to bid my goodbyes to the memories together. No one really left, after all. 

And finally, I caught your hand. Holding it tightly, I'd never let go, forever and ever.


End file.
